


It's Up To You Now

by danalingphil (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, 2015!phan, Angst, Aromantic, M/M, Sexual Themes, Unrequited, alcohol mention, mentions of anxiety and depressive thoughts, there's ignorance and rudeness towards aromanticism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-08 18:23:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4315563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/danalingphil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Phil isn't normal and it maybe hits Dan the hardest // aromantic!Phil</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> to avoid confusion, breaks signify switch between 2015/2009
> 
> Disclaimer: The description, specifically “Phil isn’t normal,” does not represent my own perspective nor the perspective throughout the entire story but it does represent some of the ignorance (that will be portrayed) towards aromantic people. Also this story is purely fictitious and I do not own Dan or Phil.

It was simply too hot to move today, he thought, and he wasn’t even wearing his usual entourage of layered black clothing.

The thick oak trees weren’t enough to cool down the pathway, in fact, they didn’t make a single difference. From inside Dan’s air conditioned flat, it had looked like a lovely day outside, with dandelions and green grass growing, a blue sky showing and people outside enjoying it. The reality was that it was torturously humid and blazing to even stand outside. Sweat dripped down his back and stuck his clothes to his skin while he also felt a numb and burning sensation on his shoulders from when they had no shade, making him feel exceptionally uncomfortable.

Dan didn’t want to admit that he was an idiot for getting all, _Phil we haven’t jogged in weeks,_ and, _it’s not even that hot out today,_ but he really did regret everything right now. He wouldn’t blame Phil for telling him off, but Phil seemed too preoccupied by lying on the grass and pushing his hair off his face like he wanted it all gone.

Dan managed to stay sitting long enough for his pride, so he finally took his last bit of strength to hoist himself next to Phil and collapse down. The grass was wonderfully moist and cool under his bare arms and calves. He twisted his fingers in the grass, relishing in the momentary relief from the heat.

“I think I’m actually dying.” Phil groaned, expressing Dan’s exact feelings.

“There’d better be air conditioning in hell.” Dan said.  

“How are those mom’s still speed walking over there? They’re literally going faster than we were too.” Phil said, lifting his head only slightly. Dan knew they were thinking the same thing, it was mortifying to have collapsed, sweaty and panting, onto the grass when dozens of people having picnics just watched them slowly jog barely three blocks distance.

“What a low moment. Let’s just hope for a Wall-E type future so we won’t be the only immobile humans when we’re 40.”

Phil giggled once but didn’t reply. He turned his gaze to stare up at the sky. Dan watched Phil for a few moments before looking up too. A striking blue covered most of the sky but satisfyingly soft looking clouds were still scattered across.

“That one looks like a duck with one really big foot. Maybe holding a… ping pong paddle in its beak or something.” Phil said, and Dan squinted at the clouds.

“I don’t know how the fuck you see that. It’s like a deformed octopus.” Dan replied.

“But look at how it’s feet are webbed.”

“How?”

“They’re like half circles but they have the little ridges where the toes are?” Phil said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Phil, what do you smoke when I’m not looking?”

Phil laughed again as he mumbled a “shut up.” He ripped some grass out of the ground and threw it in Dan’s way. Dan slapped his hand down and rolled on his side to face Phil and dust the grass off of his shirt.

“I think it’s too hot to run today. We can just lay here for a bit and maybe mom-speed-walk home.” Phil said.

“I’m good with that plan.” Dan lifted his head to browse the grassy area for teenagers staring at them or for iPhones pointed at them. All he could see were young families, with kids running around playing with a variation of colourful balls and toys, some girls laying on towels with their shirts pushed up to their ribcage, and a dog farther off chasing a tennis ball. Other people were sitting in fold up chairs with sunglasses on and books in their hands. He should have guessed a lot of London would want to enjoy their short period of sweltering weather.

He looked to his other side and saw two boys under a tree on a cliché patterned picnic blanket with a small cooler next to them. They were young, possibly teenagers, and they were leaning on each other, blushing and holding hands in between them. Dan felt his chest warm and he watched them for a moment, smiling softly.

“Look at the relationship goals over there.” Dan said, subtly nodding to the side. Phil looked up and nodded.

“Cute.”

The atmosphere was sluggish and he was frustrated by the humidity, but lying in the cold grass close to all the happy people felt relaxing. His outside adventures usually meant on the street next to noisy traffic, and getting to a slightly more peaceful park felt like a vacation. Even slightly relieving to finally get out and enjoy the weather now that he was here. Dan didn’t want to think of when he and Phil would have to stop laying on the ground and jog back to their flat where he was reminded of all his work he had to do _and_ where he couldn’t just curl up next to Phil and nap anytime he wanted.

“It’s really nice here.” He murmured, turning back.

“Yeah, I just wish it wasn’t so hot. I want a cold shower.” Phil said, putting his arms under his shirt to unstick it from his stomach and push it up to reveal part of his abdomen.

“Cold shower, hey? Do you need me to move away?” Dan asked, teasingly pulling up his shirt and squirming on the ground.

“God, you’re the worst.” Phil just laughed and looked the other way.

Dan looked back to the young couple the other way. They weren’t sitting up anymore, they were laying back, one boy slightly above with a hand on the others chest, like he’d tackled him. They were giggling, looking adorably shy and fond, and hiding their faces behind their hands. Dan found himself staring, imagining how they must feel in this moment.

Was this their first date? Maybe the boys are just getting to know each other and are still awkward and blushing constantly. Feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement. Maybe they were friends that finally confessed their feelings, now in the stage of being experimental and clingy, unable to keep their hands off of each other. Maybe they’ve been together for ages but just can’t get over how in love they are.

Dan couldn’t help but compare his life to theirs for only a second, and he felt his feeling getting caught in his throat and he looked away, despising the heavy feeling suddenly in his chest. It bubbled up so instantly that the sadness almost made him choke. He looked at Phil, who’d closed his eyes and rested his hands above his head. Dan stared blankly.

He could hear the boys giggling still but now he kind of wanted to be somewhere else. His happiness had dissolved quickly into self-pity, envy and annoyance of the young and pretty lovers, and he felt a bit guilty because he sure as hell would be the overly affectionate boyfriend in public too. He _wished_.

Sighing, he pushed the side of his face into the grass. He willed himself to go back to relaxing and to stop feeling sorry for himself over stupid things.

Phil didn’t lean on him or hold his hand or tackle him to the ground just to hold him. If he did, it was in times of sadness or after too many drinks or on the odd time where Phil would always clarify that Dan was “such a good friend.” There were no romantic picnics for the two of them.

He kept staring, thinking that he didn’t care anymore if Phil opened his eyes to two unblinking brown ones running over his face. If Phil hadn’t gotten the hint now, it felt like he never would.

There was maybe a foot between their bodies, a few inches between Dan’s hand and Phil’s arm. Phil’s limbs leaned the other way, his head lolled away from Dan’s gaze. It stung sometimes, and Dan could have almost yanked him closer and screamed all his feelings at him.

He just stared blankly, before letting his eyes shut as he baked in the heavy heat.

Phil’s breathing seemed like it was the only thing he could hear, above all the kids screaming and all the adults talking loudly. He was disappointed in himself for how fast his mood could change; it had been such a good day. He’d been working hard and getting stuff done, then one thing could happen and he’d go back to this horrible, emotionally wrecked state.

 

+++

 

 _“I get confused sometimes and I think it’s just because a lot of boys and other people have been assholes about stuff like that, but when I really think about it, or think about some, um,_ certain _people, I think I would date a guy potentially.” Dan rambled, holding onto his pillow in front of him for comfort, making sure to not block the webcam. He pushed his hair up again, feeling how it came down nearly to his jaw and made a mental note to get a haircut before Skyping Phil again._

_“Well that’s fine, don’t let anyone tell you that’s not okay! It’s good you’re coming to terms with yourself, that’s a really big thing to do in life.” Phil said, sounding heartwarmingly genuine and pulling his laptop screen closer to readjust his legs. The pixels on the screen blurred his expression slightly and Dan wished he’d get more lights in his bedroom to see his face better._

_“Yeah, and I mean I like girls too still, bisexual sounds right to me, but I think dating a boy would be really nice.” After these thoughts had been alone in his mind for so long, it was nerve-wracking to say them out loud. His thoughts were clear but Phil was the first person he’d came out to about them. Though Phil made him feel more safe and comfortable than most people in his life, it made him sweat slightly._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah, like some guys are really nice and cute and sometimes I feel I can connect really well with them. I just want to date a best friend, as cliché as it is.” Dan said, giggling._

_“No, that’s logical.” Phil said, coughing once. He looked at Phil for a moment, wishing he were brave enough to just say it._

_“What’s your sexuality, anyways? I haven’t heard you talk about anyone you date.” He blurted finally, a moment later adding on, “Just curious.”_

_Phil froze for a few moments, leaning back like he had to ponder his options. Dan felt impatient after waiting only a few seconds._

_“Oh...you know, I just don’t like labels that much; love who you want to love…that kind of thing. So I don’t say...anything, really.” Phil said finally, laughing nervously._

_“I get it, I think that’s a nice way to think. I like how non-judgmental you are, but I like labels. It feels like I know myself better, and I guess it makes it easier to find people to date when you’re open about who you like.” Dan stared at the webcam._

_“Yeah that makes sense.” Phil said, Dan still waiting expectantly. He had to force himself to not be overcome by frustration and demand an answer._

Do you want me or not?

_“Yeah, but you do you.” He finally said, not pressing, and Phil smiled kindly at him, like he was relieved._

_Dan was left with neither closure nor hope._

 

+++

 

They walked back home after at least half an hour of lying sprawled in the grass. The heat wasn’t lessening and they were sweating profusely even after staying as still as possible in the shade. 

Dan felt annoyingly bitter, the mental image of the young couple smiling so big and looking unbelievably peaceful still in his mind. He knew it was toxic to be so envious but he still couldn't help but wonder why everyone else got to be so happy.

“You’ve gone quiet.” Phil said, after a silent walk home.

“What’s there to say?” Dan said, earning a strange look from Phil. He cringed, not realizing how passive aggressive that statement sounded.

“Everything good?” Phil asked. Dan decided to not try another sarcastic excuse so he just nodded and smiled as nicely as he could.

He walked into Phil’s bedroom, perching in front of the air conditioning on the floor. He didn’t think it would be very nice to move it to his room at the moment but he could at least utilize it. Phil came and sat next to him, settling in and sighing at the cold air.

Dan knew Phil could tell he was upset by the way he sat sideways to face Dan and sat closer than usual. He didn’t dare make eye contact to invite conversation or pity, but only a few moments passed before he felt Phil’s hand raking through his hair, which he could feel had curled and thickened in the humidity. Short nails ran down his scalp and onto his neck, making goose bumps rise up all over his body. He didn’t stop Phil but he tried hard to not pay attention to it so much.

He used to be able to wallow in self-pity occasionally and be okay for a long while after, so much so that he was happy most of the time. After every birthday he felt a bit more anxious than usual, of all the things in his life left unsolved. This time, though, he felt like a ticking time bomb. He wanted to figure things out and he needed everything to fall into place because time just seemed to be running out, he was getting _old_. The anxiety in his chest would not lessen this time.

“Can I ask you something?” He finally said, breaking the silence that Phil must have decided Dan wanted.

“Sure.”

“Do you want to date someone? Not any specific person, but do you want to be in a relationship?” Dan asked. Phil’s shoulders lifted up like he was shrugging, but then stayed there.

“Things are kind of busy right now.”

_Not what I asked._

“Not at all?” Dan asked.

“Do you?”

Dan just shrugged noncommittally and looked back into the air conditioning.

"I mean, a relationship takes a lot of time, especially at the start when you have to get to know them. We just both have too much stuff going on right now, I think." Phil said.

_Good news, you've already gotten to know me, stupid._

"Don't worry, things will calm down after summer and you'll meet someone. Who wouldn't want to date you?" Phil continued on, looking down at the ground.

Dan sighed, stopping himself before it was too lengthy and exasperated.

"Yeah, thanks, Phil." Dan said, failing at keeping the sourness out of his voice.

They fell back into silence for only a few moments, before Dan sat up again, having too much to say.

"But what about _you_ , like, if _I_ feel old I can't imagine how you feel." Dan said, wincing when Phil looked hurt for a moment.

Phil sat silent for a moment, looking like he wasn't going to answer at all, until he took a breath in and started talking.

"It just...doesn't bother me that much right now. I don't want to force anything and I just think one day things will feel right and I'll settle down with the right person eventually, whether they're close to me or I've never met them, I think things fall into place." Phil said. Dan was silent for a moment, and that was the most Phil's ever said about himself in relationships, he thinks. Dan's eyes shifted to Phil's cheeks, where a definite redness stood out. Was Phil _blushing_ while talking to Dan about his future relationships?

Dan smiled comfortingly, looking into Phil's eyes and Phil looked calmer immediately.

"Yeah, I mean I think sometimes you have to _try_ , but things will work out if they're meant to be." Dan said, still smiling.

"I mean, I'm still too busy for a relationship right now, but eventually!" Phil looked away from Dan, seeming more guarded than moments before.

"You can't wait forever, Phil."

Phil opened his mouth, releasing a small sound like he was going to talk, but he just shut his mouth a moment later and turned his head away.

Dan nodded obnoxiously behind Phil’s head, pursing his lips in an almost humorous way before turning his head to look into the air conditioning like it was a camera watching his frustrating life and frustrating best friend. The conversation was going better than it ever had but it was clearly over. Phil turned back, looking confused, but he just scooted a few inches away to sit facing the air conditioner like they were watching a TV or something.

“Well this is awkward, I’ll go have a shower now.” Dan said, standing up and walking out, only feeling worse and worse with every step.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dan felt absolutely giddy, his leg was bouncing at full speed and he didn’t even care that the old lady next to him was glaring. Things had actually managed to follow through and not fall completely apart, knock on wood. His parents were actually happy that he was getting out of the house, Phil’s parents were miles out of town, and Phil seemingly still wanted to meet him, the best miracle of all. He smiled when the train announced the arrival to the stop right before Phil’s._

_His excitement was building up, but so were his nerves, taking place in his gut as frantic butterflies. He kept staring out the window, trying to calm himself but his thoughts weren’t wandering away from Phil anymore._

_His phone buzzed and he looked down to see a variety of emoticons from Phil and a message telling him to tell the train driver to step on it. He quickly texted back that he was less than one stop away._

_Breathing in and out, he pulled his bag onto his lap, ready to stand. Things felt quite surreal, he’d imagined this moment probably hundreds of times, making it that much stranger now that it was happening._

_The last few minutes went graciously fast, and he stood right before the train jerked to a stop, making him lose his footing momentarily. He quickly recovered and walked towards the exit, slowly trailing behind the other people getting off._

_He walked onto the platform and stopped, looking around the room but feeling like he couldn’t properly focus his eyes when so much was going on. He heard a deep voiced “excuse me,” from right behind his neck, so he tried to jump out of the way while turning around, and it was as an angry and formal-looking man pushed past him that he heard his name being called._

_Phil was laughing, probably at Dan being in the way of everyone getting off the train, but Dan didn’t care at the moment. He quickly moved towards Phil, grateful for not having to wander aimlessly and alone through the train station._

_As soon as Dan was walking, Phil opened his arms as wide as they went, staying rooted in his spot. He was smiling widely and attracting a few stares from standing so comically. Dan’s heart felt like it literally inhabited his throat, and he walked faster, practically skipping, to reach Phil’s arms._

_"You’re a real person!” Was the first thing he said after throwing his arms around Phil’s waist and being surrounded by warmth in return, not caring that it was a lame thing to say. Phil rocked him side to side playfully and Dan held on tighter to his torso._

_“I still might be an extraterrestrial being so don’t say that too fast.” Phil said, and Dan would have faked annoyance or rolled his eyes if he could stop smiling._

_Phil finally pulled back and Dan slowly let his hands slide off, but before they dropped to his sides Phil grabbed them._

_"You took literally forever to get here, but now we have so much to do before you leave!” Phil exclaimed, bouncing on his feet to enunciate his words. He pulled Dan backwards towards the exit, rambling about the video they were going to make and the movies they would watch, but first all the places and things they needed to go to and see while it was still light out._

_Dan instantly felt all his nervousness slip away into elation._

+++

 

Phil didn’t bring up their conversation, as expected, and Dan fell into his busy schedule and never found a good moment, even though the topic was still eating at him. He was travelling for his documentary and frantically trying to script decent videos that he didn’t hate. It felt he’d either lock himself away or be miles away so he did his best to push it to the back of his mind for a near date.

He thinks he could possibly have taken a period of time to talk things through, but Phil had been acting stranger than usual. As well as Dan, he was locked away, always too busy, vaguely telling Dan that he’d started a good new book and was also scripting later videos. If they watched anime together at breakfast, Phil would be scrolling through his phone, distant enough emotionally he may as well not have been there. He was constantly in another world, how he usually got when he was working hard, or sometimes for no reason that Dan could think of. There was just something about how his eyes were glazed and looking into space, and how every thing he spoke barely made sense he was so distracted. It wasn’t ending, either.

It made everything a bit more exhausting.

Dan could remember coming home from school or work as a teenager, and while his relationship with his parents wasn’t always perfect or full of affection, he would always talk about his day and everything that had gone on. Even when he had to leave out bad parts of his day, it was an extraordinary comfort to just have someone listen to the small things. The role had been switched to Phil once he’d moved out, and he always had Phil to reply with interest and attention, even when his stories were probably boring.

He loved being able to eat or watch shows with Phil and talk about everything that had happened to him during the day; all his thoughts and feelings, out in the open for him to discuss with someone who always tried to care. A therapist seemed unneeded when he had a friend to talk to everyday.

Being ignored was harder than it should have been. He felt the absence of Phil when he was on vacation, but being neglected was a whole different story, and it didn’t settle well with him. He couldn’t handle it quietly.

It hadn’t occurred to him how much he wanted to talk to his feelings until Louise texted him asking how he was.

 _Things have been better, do u have time to skype today?_ He replied to her, hoping he wasn’t being dramatic or overbearing. To his relief, her reply oozed with a motherly concerned tone and she agreed to Skype right away.

 

+++

 

_Dan had never wanted to kiss someone so badly. Phil kept leaning in to talk to him and Dan’s heart sunk every time he didn’t close the gap. It felt as though there was a magnet between them and he had to concentrate on not standing too close. In Starbucks he leaned into Phil’s side and tried to play it off by bumping his hip. They were walking down the street and his finger hooked around Phil’s pinky so he swung his hand before skipping away, blushing. He found himself leaning forward every time Phil faced him._

_They were on the Manchester wheel now, probably the only significant tourist attraction Manchester had, and Dan was sitting so close their thighs were barely touching. He didn’t move back now that he’d already done it. To his relief, Phil just turned to smile at him for a few seconds before looking away. It raised his confidence ever so slightly, Phil was vague in his actions but he had never once rejected Dan. He watched Phil smile as the Gondola started to move._

_He thought it was a bit lame that Phil insisted on taking Dan around the areas a tour bus probably would have, but there could have been worse places to be stuck with Phil than alone in a gondola._

_Phil was staring out the window, as if he was only just seeing the town for the first time. Dan was sure that despite the gray sky, the buildings and people were probably a beautiful sight from above. Things always looked more beautiful from heights when they were small and from a different perspective, and when the town could be seen for miles farther than before. But Dan didn’t look._

_It was no secret that he was making eyes at Phil, despite Phil’s apparent obliviousness. It was actually frustrating that Phil’s eyes were stuck to the view rather than Dan._

_The night before his travel up here, he’d made a promise to himself. His last girlfriend had made things easy and practically asked him out first, their relationship was never uncertain, despite not having the best connection. This time, seeing as Phil had no notice of Dan’s hints, Dan would have to take things into his own hands. He would be brave and disregard any self esteem issues he had._

_He was going to kiss Phil by the end of the day, and the wheel seemed like a better place than any._

+++

 

“…and it’s just like, do I just come out and tell him how I feel? Friendships _can_ get ruined and that scares me a lot, but it’s driving me mad not knowing!” Dan said, having to take a huge breath from everything he’d spewed at Louise; the whole condensed story of him and Phil; the reasons for his confusion.

Louise was sitting on her bed, looking into the webcam with pity, but it didn't annoy Dan as much as it should have. A bit of self pity never hurt. He played with the trinkets on his desk mindlessly for something to do with his hands, as he waited for what ever Louise to say. Dan hoped she had some life changing advice to change his whole perspective. He doubted it.

“Honey, I can see how close you guys are, your friendship won’t get ruined. How badly do you really think _Phil_ could react?” Louise said, after she knew Dan was done.

“But he’s avoiding me now!” Dan put his elbows on his desk, and dropped his head in his hands.

“Dan, if I told you I was in love with you tomorrow, would you hate me? Never want to talk to me again?” She said, tilting her head to the side.

“No….”

“Then why would Phil hate you? Maybe he’s just a bit nervous. Has he dated anyone recently?” She asked, looking a bit desperate to calm Dan down.

“No, he hasn’t ever dated anyone serious, that I know of.” Dan said, his forehead creasing as the realization hit him.

Dan had witnessed people hit on Phil and check him out, subtly hint that they want Phil to ask them out. Phil was unbelievably oblivious in that category, and Dan suspected that on the dates he knew of Phil going on, Phil didn’t really understand what was happening. He wasn’t a romantic person, but Phil had wanted people before.

He’d listened to Phil gush over how attractive girls _and_ boys were, and make borderline crude, sexual comments. Phil had brought people home and also kissed people in front of him, much to Dan’s distaste.

Dan hesitated to bring up Phil’s dating tendencies, mainly because he could imagine very well how the shame and embarrassment would feel. Dan was 24 and had a long-term relationship during his teenage years, gotten back into experimental dates late 2010, despite them usually being based on other goals than love. Sex, loneliness, and Phil, for the most part.

Things slowly got better with time, and he began to fall for people more, though not finding the connection he was looking for. He still knew how to flirt and pick people up; he was not quiet with his sexuality, not in real life anyways. He was the master of falling in love with strangers, despite the feelings steadily decreasing after bravely asking out anyone he desired. Life was too short to pass up happiness, he always told himself, courage was something he’d battled with but had conquered when it came to being open about his feelings, with only the one exception. Dan knew how to get in and be in relationships.

Phil, on the other hand, was 28 and still seemed scared of girls, much to Dan’s secondhand embarrassment. He had no clue of people being interested in him, and was made nervous of said people when Dan would inform him. He went on dates and choked, stood awkwardly to the side while Dan flirted with people. Despite being overly affectionate, overly clingy and sometimes overly sexual to his friends _,_ Phil was 28 and still having a hard time with relationships.

“Not everyone experiments, he could just be waiting for the one…and hasn’t realized it’s you!” Louise said.

“That’s what I thought, but how long could it take? He’s comfortable with me; why not give it a go? Something’s wrong with me.” Dan said, and when his voice cracked at the end, Louise’s eyes looked glazed under her perfectly curled lashes.

“Love…I don’t see you two everyday or know what goes on all the time, but I can feel the amazing relationship you guys have; he _loves_ you so much, he fucking adores you! He’s not going anywhere, if you talk to him about it and be clearer, he won’t be too scared to say what he wants to! You’ll never get over him by sitting back and wondering, you need to go for it.” She finally said, looking straight into the camera with affection.

Dan just sighed, looking down at his desk. He’s pretty sure he hears his front door closing, so he starts telling Louise how nice her last video was, and she doesn’t pressure him to say anymore.

 

+++

 

_And so, as soon as they reached the highest point of the wheel, Dan put his hand on Phil’s hip, leaned in, and softly kissed him._

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for alcohol mentions and non graphic sexual mentions

Dan had nothing but a short catch-up meeting at 2 in the afternoon, the first day in a while he didn’t have to stress about all his work.  He’d uploaded a video onto his channel _and_ his gaming channel; he could take the day to rest. He slept in until noon, a solid 10-hour sleep, and then tracked down Phil making lunch.

“What are you doing today?” He asked Phil, feeling cheerful and genuinely refreshed.

“Uh, I don’t know.” Phil replied, holding a piece of sliced turkey above his sandwich.

“After my meeting let’s like, watch a movie or something. Relax for a night. You just uploaded a video, too, you can take a break from working?” Dan said, not even sure if Phil had been working on stuff for the past week.

“Oh yeah, sure! I actually really need that!” Phil said, sounding excited suddenly and smiling. Dan let out a breath, feeling a bit silly for thinking Phil hated him.

"Okay sweet, yeah I want to talk to you about stuff, too.” Dan said, deciding it was safe. A panicked expression went over Phil’s face for a moment but then he just nodded, looking at his sandwich rather than Dan. His smile had faded.

Dan gulped, but took the chance to back out. He’d said it; they would talk.

He felt a bit shaky getting ready. Like everything in his life could fall apart any moment now. Something in his gut told him something was wrong. He knew logically it was just nerves.

He pulled on his clothes and turned on his straightener, determined to ignore his feelings until later.

Phil smiled at him and waved cheerfully when he walked out to catch his train, so nothing could be falling apart too much.

His meeting went by in a blur, probably because his brain was thinking of other things. It still barely took half an hour; his train rides having taken more time than the actual meeting. He walked into his flat, mostly relieved, slightly anxious for the evening.

It was just _Phil._

He took the stairs two at a time, walking into the lounge, guessing that was where Phil would be. One glance at the room told him he was wrong. He set his shoulder bag on the dining table and made his way to Phil’s bedroom.

He pushed the door open without knocking and looked around the room, feeling slightly invasive as he found the room empty. He backtracked and pushed his head in the kitchen, finding it empty. Down the stairs to the bathroom, upstairs to the office. Empty. He even looked into the lounge for a second time and opened the door to his own bedroom. After calling out a few times, he knew he was alone.

Frowning, he stood in the middle of the hallway and crossed his arms. Had Phil bailed on him because he didn’t want to talk about stuff going on? The whole _we need to talk_ was such a demeaning thing to suggest; he shouldn’t have said anything.

 _Where are you???_ He texted to Phil, regretting the three question marks a second after it sent. He stared at the screen for thirty seconds but shoved it into his pocket when he didn’t get an immediate response. He pulled it out again, turned the ringer on high, and harshly put it back, feeling strangely more alone than usual.

+++

 

_As soon as they reached the highest point of the wheel, Dan put his hand on Phil’s hip, leaned in, and softly kissed him._

_His heart felt like it could have burst through his chest, he felt it in every part of his body, but he didn’t move away. Not yet._

_He could feel Phil’s surprise as he almost jumped back, but he slowly relaxed and surely pushed back against Dan._

_Dan moved his lips and held Phil’s hip tighter, his confidence heightening as Phil actually kissed him back. Scooting closer still and pulling his arm further around Phil, he focused on the softness and sighed, his chest wonderfully warm. Phil placed his hand just below Dan’s jaw, holding him in place. Phil’s tongue was in his mouth and he let out an involuntary moan, opening his mouth more, surprised by how amorous Phil was being._

_A few minutes must have passed but when Phil pulled back suddenly Dan still felt frustrated. That is, until he realized they’d stopped at the bottom and a worker was staring at them, not knowing what to do. He coughed and stood up, holding Phil’s hand because he felt he’d earned that right. Unfortunately, Phil dropped his hands once they were out and didn’t meet his gaze for the next few minutes._

_He’d still kissed him back, though._

 

+++

 

It was 4:17 when Phil even texted back, over an hour late. Over an hour of silence, even after promising to spend the night with Dan.

_sorru friend asked tovget drinks_

It was another four hours before the door finally opened, and Dan heard Phil’s stomps as he climbed up the stairs, then made a big thump, then continued to climb, then assumedly fell again, shrieking. Dan stayed in the lounge, glaring at the doorway until Phil finally made it up and entered.

“I _literally_ almost just f-fell down the stairs.” Phil said, snorting loudly and laughing at that. Dan continued to glare at him, unamused.

Phil stumbled a bit where he stood, his face red and eyes glazed. His hair was messy and pushed back, some of it sticking straight up. He lazily dropped his wallet and phone onto the dining room table.

“Have a good time, did we? Happy hour?” Dan asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, I was with Peter! He was _really_ fun, he’s always so great.” Phil said, turning and walking out of the lounge midsentence, making his words nearly trail off. Dan got up and followed, trying to remember who the hell Peter was as he caught up to Phil’s unsteady strides and turned into the kitchen with him.

“Why did you drink so much, Phil?” Dan said, putting a hand on their alcohol cabinet so Phil couldn’t open it. Fortunately, Phil pouted but didn’t put up a fight and he just found a water bottle in their fridge, knocking over a few things in the process. Dan walked over and fixed them as Phil started to pace.

"When I’m scared I tell myself I can relax and drink a bit but then _all of a sudden_ , you know how it happens, I’m just _gone_ and I’ve drank too much it seems but somehow it’s not enough. It’s just fun!” Phil said, barely keeping his eyes open.

“Scared?” Dan asked, eyebrows lifting.

“I meant stressed. Videos n’ stuff.” Phil said, sipping at his water.

“Okay?” Phil was still pacing and spinning around in his spot, almost falling over each time.

He watched him for a minute until Phil sat down cross-legged on the floor, leaning back on their dishwasher. Dan walked over and sat in front of him, worried about Phil suddenly getting sick or passing out or of him finding their bottle of Jack Daniels. Also slightly worried about why Phil used the adjective _scared_ instead of stressed.

“Did you leave because you were scared about what I would want to talk about?” Dan asked suddenly. It was Phil who’d drank himself into nonsense; Dan was allowed to ask questions.

“We _do_ have things to talk about, don’t we?” Was all Phil said.

“So you know what it’s about?”

“Yeah, and boy do I have some stuff to tell you. Just don’t know how to say it.” Phil said, leaning his head against the metallic wall and shutting his eyes.

“What do you have to tell me?” Dan asked loudly, leaning forward and hoping Phil didn’t pass out _now_. Phil’s eyes opened suddenly, wide and excited, like a light bulb had just lit up above his head.

“Have I told you about my,” Phil hiccupped, “my ghost?” He looked at Dan but missed his gaze.

Dan stared at him, nothing but confused. Phil giggled, but then concealed it with his hand over his mouth. Dan sighed; Phil was fucking with him now. Or his brain was jumbled enough he only knew nonsense.

“Your ghost.” Dan said unemotionally. Phil needed to hear the annoyance.

“A ghost that haunts me, you know. Spirit, presence, phantom…specter, shadow—“

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Dan blurted out, his patience level decreasing.

“Anyways, my ghost is _hot_ , beautiful actually, I don’t even want to use crude words to describe how sexy he is because I adore the little demon that haunts me. He lights up my day.” Phil’s slurring made Dan have to lean in closer to make sense of his words. Phil’s lip was turned up in amusement. Dan glared back.

“My one and only. Y’follow? The ghost is _great_ , my everything, he gives me _butterflies_ , and I think about him all the time. ‘I have crossed oceans of time to find you’ deal.” Phil explained, beginning to whisper and close his eyes.

"You’re not making any sense Phil.”

“Don’t you get it!” Phil shouted, his voice shrill and echoing, making Dan jump and the silence reverberate afterwards.

Dan stared at him, mouth agape and eyebrows furrowed. Curiosity ate at every part at his body, and he stared at Phil as if the answers would somehow show on his forehead.

“Are you fucking on something?”

“Ghosts don’t exist, Dan.” Phil said, calmly, as if solemn. He could have been reprimanding a child, telling them Santa isn’t real with annoyed condescension.

Phil leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands, looking either like he was dizzy and tired or sad and annoyed. He was breathing heavily, and Dan scooted forward.

"Phil, do you need something? Are you sick? Do you want to go to bed?”

“Bed.” Phil said, the word sounding like a groan.

Dan pushed himself on his feet and pulled Phil by his elbows, mostly supporting him so his legs didn’t give up. Phil straightened up, and before Dan could turn, he put his arms over Dan’s shoulders, and slowly pulled himself closer. Phil hooked his arms around Dan’s neck as gently as he could, and then nuzzled his face into Dan’s neck.

Dan hesitated, frozen in place before he let his arms settle around Phil’s back. He hugged Phil tightly, and rubbed the pads of his fingers into Phil’s skin when Phil made no movement for a few long moments.

"Phil, you need to go to bed now.” Dan said gently, knowing that with only a few more seconds he would get too comfortable. Phil let go as gently as he held on, and Dan felt himself gulping for air, but he tried to conceal it. He walked with Phil, a hand on his back to lead him.

He wished he could express, without being overwhelming, that he would lay in bed with Phil everyday and rub his back, stroke his skin, run his hands through his hair, sing to him, anything that would make Phil happy. He would gladly take care of him every night. But he stayed silent and led him.

Phil slipped out of his jeans, leaving them on the floor, and practically fell onto his bed. Dan picked up his jeans, threw them in Phil’s washbasin, and walked back to fold Phil’s blanket over his body. He let his hand linger on Phil above the sheets, and he opened his mouth to utter a _goodnight_ but shocked himself when his voice caught. Phil was asleep anyways, so he turned and walked out immediately.

It was his turn to open their bottle of Jack Daniel’s. It may have been only 8pm but at least he wasn’t the one _passing out_ at 8pm. He didn’t bother to get a glass and he drank on the floor in the kitchen, right where Phil had been, so he still got sad points. It felt bitter in his throat but he welcomed the feeling and drank faster.

He still felt more alone than usual. For some reason, he couldn’t stop thinking about 2009.

 

+++

 

 

_The Skybar was undeniably romantic, Dan thought, he had a wonderful time. He was dizzy partly from the cocktails he had, but mostly from Phil’s lips on his._

The Skybar meant nothing to Phil. The kisses meant nothing to Phil.

_First, they’d looked out at the view on the balcony. No one was there so Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind and kissed his cheek and then rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil was a bit larger than him but he liked the feeling. They had fallen silent, but it was comfortable. They were enjoying each other’s presence and the closeness._

Dan enjoyed the presence; Phil was who the fuck knows where.

_When they’d finally left, it was dark and their bus wasn’t coming for 20 minutes so Dan kissed Phil again. Phil pushed him into the corner of the bus shelter._

Dan wanted love, Phil only wanted sex. But that wasn’t true either, Phil cared about him, wanted him around, wanted every piece of him. Why did he not relate sex and love like Dan had that night?

_Dan hugged him around the neck when kissing him. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist sitting on the bus. Back at the house, he hugged a pillow while Phil got him off. At the end, Phil just rolled over._

_In the morning, in reply to Dan’s insecurities, it was ‘of course I like you, Dan.’_

_A month later, it was ‘I think we should just be friends.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters have been really short and it's only because I've been working a lot so I never have time to write long excerpts at a time and I lose motivation when I don't upload right away, so sorry if they're short n choppy


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will only be one more chapter after this! And an epilogue and possibly extras to fulfill my dreams.
> 
> This chapter includes slightly sexual content.

It was a rough morning to say the least. Phil got out of bed first, making his way to the kitchen before sitting down on the tile floor with his water and his ibuprofen. Dan wasn’t sure how long Phil was there before he came and joined him to lean his head against the cupboards and chug the rest of his water. They didn’t acknowledge each other, but it wasn’t needed to know that their drowsiness and indisposition was shared. Killer headaches as well, probably.

Their conversation felt like it had happened days ago, so much so that Dan could barely remember the details, but really that was just him ruining his thought processes with alcohol. He wondered if Phil could remember anything about last night, or if he’d sat in the exact same spot coincidentally.

“Sorry.” Phil said quietly, his voice croaking. Dan wasn’t sure if it was a general statement or in regards to their conversation but he felt too physically and emotionally weak to ask.

He rubbed his hand over a crack in their floor, trying to remember which of Phil’s accidents caused this one. Phil sure made a lot of damage.

“Could I convince you to get up and make coffee?” Phil said, after a minute of silence.

“Not a chance.” Dan replied, slowly moving his head from side to side. He closed his eyes because even without a light on it was too bright.

Phil made a loud exasperated noise as he pushed himself up. He groaned more as he walked the few steps to the other side of the kitchen. Dan consciously made himself keep frowning.

“You don’t have much reason to complain when you only did that to yourself.” Dan said.

“That’s fair, I guess.” Phil said, laughing awkwardly.

When Phil was angry, he became the master of silent treatment. He’d maybe whip out one crushing insult and then storm off and be frustratingly distant. Phil would bitterly talk to anyone but the person he was angry with and wait patiently to be told he was right. Dan thought that method was vile and tempting, but he could not sit back and wait like that. Dan would scream his head off before he walked away from a situation, as much as he’d like to say he avoided conflict. If he had something to be angry about, he became _angry_.

“You know, if you’d kept your promise and not ditched your best friend to get wasted in the middle of the afternoon you _might_ feel better now.” Dan said, sourly. He glared at Phil and tried to catch his eye, but Phil kept focused on their coffee maker. Dan saw his hands tremble slightly.

“Fair.”

Phil wasn’t giving the reaction Dan needed.

“I guess I’m just not that important to you, I shouldn’t expect you to care about me, right?”

“Dan, you know that’s not true. C’mon, we hang out everyday.” Phil said, desperation seeping into his voice.

“Really, Phil? Living together does not equate to hanging out when you ignore me everyday. And it doesn’t feel like you care about me when you ditch me when you _know_ I want to talk about stuff and you _know_ I’m having a hard time. It makes you a really shit friend Phil, I hope you know I’m fucking done with it!” Dan said, his voice raising substantially. He was shaking from the rage building up inside of him.

Dan could tell Phil had started crying. He’d turned his face away but Dan could hear the snivelling, see Phil’s hand rubbing under his eyes, see Phil’s back shaking with the tremors. It made Dan a bit sick to the stomach.

“I don’t even know what I’m still doing here, wasting my time with you. I’m moving out soon, just so you know.” Dan said bluntly, squeezing his lips together so he didn’t let out a sob. His adrenaline was steadily draining and he was starting to feel more and more like shit from just knowing his best friend was crying.

He hadn’t really thought of moving out, surprisingly, but he guesses it’s long overdue. He and Phil had an amazing time, the best few years of his life, but he needed to move on eventually, they were clearly never going to move forward.. The idea didn’t sound too bad, he could live alone, gain some independence, work hard, meet a new array of people. It would be hard on him, no doubt, but he’d thank himself someday. Probably.

Phil turned around slowly once Dan stopped talking, not bothering to hide his red, tear stained face. He looked at Dan in shock, betrayal written on his face.

Dan didn’t want to stick around to see Phil’s heartbroken face, he just might take everything back, so he pushed himself off of the ground and turned to leave. As he expected, Phil ran up to block him, standing in front of him and holding his shoulders, close enough Dan could have easily leaned in and kissed him. He just glared though.

“Dan, please, I care about you more than _anyone_ , you’re my favourite person in the whole entire world!” Phil pleaded, only crying more. Dan weakly tried to push past him. 

“I-I don’t want to be a w-waste of your time, Dan. I want to make you _happy_. I love you and I don’t want you to leave. I’m so sorry.” Phil hooked his elbows around Dan’s shoulders and pushed close enough that he could wipe the tears from his eyes with his sleeves. He was right in Dan’s face now, and Dan couldn’t bear to push away if he wanted to. He leaned up on his toes and kissed Dan’s forehead, before dropping down and putting his head on Dan’s shoulder like he was hiding his face

“You confuse the fucking shit out of me, Phil.” Dan said, his voice not pushing past a whisper. He made an effort to keep his arms in fists at his sides

“I confuse my _self_ , Dan, there’s something wrong with _me_ and I _fucking_ hate it and I don’t want to be like this.” Phil practically spat when he swore, making Dan flinch.

“I don’t know what you mean by that.” Dan said. 

Phil didn’t answer, and Dan crossed his arms between them, and his arms were squished between the two of them. Phil put his head into the crook of Dan’s neck, shaking his head and snivelling.

“I really don’t want to hurt you or manipulate you, I hope you understand. I want to be honest but it’s a bit more complicated than that.” Phil finally said, looking up. Dan rolled his eyes, and Phil let out a whimper, reminding Dan of a kicked dog and he hated that he had such a strong urge to pull Phil against him and tell him everything would be alright. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows causing his forehead to crease. The moisture caused the blue in Phil’s eyes to shimmer vibrantly and only make him look more young, despite the heavy circles under his eyes.

All Dan could focus on was how his head was spinning and pounding and he physically needed to lay down for a while and chug some water before he could think straight. He felt too enfolded and confined and everything was aching, so he wriggled frustratingly and mumbled something about needing to go back to bed so that Phil finally let go.

Dan hit his hip on the doorframe trying to get out but he did his best not to slow down and get to his room, lock the door, and hide away.

 

+++

 

_Dan was counting in his head to sixty more seconds before he jumped on Phil and started moaning into his mouth. Not because he was afraid of what Phil would think, he was very comfortable actually, but he knew how to rile his boyfriend up and that was by teasing. It was playing in his head now, he’d swing onto his lap, roll his hips against Phil’s bulge and let out the whimpers he was holding back. He would bite his lip and throw his head back and know that Phil was trying not to come in his pants right beneath him. It was making Dan feel like he was burning up just to think about._

_They were kissing, tongues slipping into mouths and breath hot and frequent against each other. Hands were twisting through hair and scratching at the back of necks while they both slowly inched closer and pressed against one another._

_It came out of Dan’s mouth as an honest mistake, his head was swimming and he was so caught up in thinking about Phil that he just panted it right into Phil’s mouth through his dizziness._

_“I’m falling in love with you.” He said, and he was probably close enough to sixty, so he swung his leg over and straddled Phil’s thighs as soon as he breathed out the last word._

_Phil’s breath hitched and Dan waited until he breathed out again to continue kissing him. He pressed harder and pried Phil’s lips apart, but Phil had suddenly gone slack and was just panting back against Dan. Dan tried one more time to kiss him, but Phil refused to move. He sat on Phil’s thighs and stared at him, furrowing his brows._

_“Shit.” Phil said, and Dan couldn’t read his emotions but he was starting to panic now._

_“What is it?” Dan urged him on._

_“Things are going…kind of fast, don’t you think?”_

_“You already took my virginity but we can pretend we’re nothing but cuddle buddies.” Dan said, jokingly, trying to lighten the mood and deny the conversation he could hear in Phil’s tone. He ignored his stomach dropping and the sweat at his hairline that was gaining._

_“It’s not that, Dan, it’s…I don’t know….” Phil trailed off and Dan felt his heart beat faster. He hunched over, staring at Phil and willed him to say something comforting. Phil didn’t make eye contact, he looked down at his comforter and dropped his hands to his lap._

_“Just say it.” Dan said, not wanting Phil to say it._

_“I don’t know how I feel, I guess. Are you really happy about this? Like are you sure?”_

_Dan shrugged slightly, looking worriedly at Phil._

_“I barely get to see you…and, you’re very young, still haven’t come out or anything, like I’m done University and everything—“_

_“What, I’m too childish for you?” Dan asked, appalled. The first word that came to his mind was_ bullshit. 

_“No, no, not really that. Things just feel different than since we were friends, don’t you think?”_

_Dan shrugged again, feeling the need to scream, but Dan didn’t want to lose his cool in front of Phil._

_“Maybe we should be friends again? Things seemed easier that way, right?” Dan’s gut was at his feet._  

_Dan nodded, and Phil pulled him in for a quick hug, holding him gently around the shoulders. He pulled back and Dan awkwardly climbed off of him, feeling a bit shocked, empty and confused. What had gone wrong? Why did he panic? He surely didn’t actually mean it?_

_Phil smiled widely at him, suggesting they go watch Kill Bill as he already started to climb out of bed. Dan numbly followed him._

_And that’s how, for no apparent reason, Phil broke up with Dan._

 

+++

 

Phil knocked on Dan’s door after an hour. He called out Dan’s name, to get no reply.

“Dan I know you want to talk about like, us, and stuff and I want to try to be honest.” Phil called.

_I’m glad it only took you six years Phil, sorry it was so hard for you to answer a yes or no question, I never knew feelings were so complicated._  

“I’m busy, Phil.” Dan called back, leaning back into his pillow.

“Okay, well, if you want to talk like…when you’re _not_ busy, then I’ll be around, and I really want to talk to you before you move out so I really hope you give me that chance even though I’ve been really confusing and stupid I hope you can at least give me a chance and—“

“ _Phil_ , Jesus, what can it be that’s so complicated?” Phil was silent for a few moments.

“I’d really rather talk face to face and maybe sit down somewhere and I want to explain it the right way and clarify anyth—“

“Why can’t you be a normal hungover person who just sleeps all day and doesn’t talk?” Dan groaned, pulling his covers over his head.

“I just really want to talk to you about this and I’ve just been too scared but I’ll be around all day and probably tomorrow too, so whenever you want to you can just come find me and _please_ don’t move out, I mean I can’t stop you and I don’t want to be selfish, but oh jeez, I am being very selfish aren’t I?”

Dan rolled out of his bed, walking to open the door. Phil was going to stand there and ramble until Dan listened to what he had to say.

Phil jumped when he opened the door, looking unnecessarily startled. Dan glared at him, glancing down because Phil was holding something in his arms. A book. Dan reached out to take it, wondering why Phil had brought a book to him. Phil held it securely. 

“I know I have a lot to explain so don’t freak out.”

Phil finally let go of the book and Dan turned it over, giving Phil one more confused glance before reading the title.

_The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Aromanticism_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book mentioned at the end does not exist unfortunately, though the Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality is a book that exists and is what I got the title from!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this story turned out to be boring or with too much dialogue, it's just a topic that's important to me. Please tell me what you think!

Dan stared at Phil for a good few minutes, trying to make sense of what ever was going on.

He opened his mouth, but closed it again, because he didn’t know how to respond.

They’d moved to their living room, Dan sitting upright as still as a statue, and Phil next to him, crosslegged and fiddling with his book and constantly squirming around. Phil’s face was red and the skin on his forehead was wrinkled with frustration. He fanned through the pages as if he hoped the words would pop out and explain everything for him. They were the epitome of anxiety and uncomfortable silence.

“Can you say that again, I don’t think I understood you.” Dan said, breathing heavily.

“I just don’t feel romantic attraction, like…I just don’t ever get feelings for people, I never have and I never will…yeah.” Phil said, clearing his throat.

“Phil, relationships are a natural part of humanity, it’s been proven so many times, it’s literally the basis of mankind.” Dan explained, speaking slowly.

“How would you know, are you God? I didn’t think so.” Phil snapped, putting his head down a moment later, and Dan breathed out long and hard.

Dan looked around the room desperately, looking for an escape from his conversation. This was not how he expected the conversation to go, maybe it would be dramatic and end with heartfelt confessions or they’d talk it out and decide to try something new or maybe Phil would just try to let him off easy and Dan could let go, but _this_ was never something he expected. Phil was making excuses still and the absurdity made the condescension unbearable.  

Phil took a deep breath in, and Dan stared straight forward as he listened.

“Listen, I want to try to explain it to you but I don’t even really understand it. Like, all my life, even as a kid, there was so much stigma around dating so I was always like, ‘wow I want a girlfriend so badly,’ but whenever it happened, I would find any excuse to leave her. I’d feel sick and nervous and tell all my friends that she was too clingy or did a weird thing on a date or that she was the most annoying person. I thought maybe I was gay, but when I tried it wasn’t different, I’d want do anything to avoid relationships with _anyone_.” Phil said, enunciating his words by moving his hands up and down in front of him.

“Phil, you’re confused, everyone gets nervous.”

“It’s not like that.”

“One day you’ll meet someone, and—”

“No, you don’t understand, I don’t want that!” Phil collapsed back into the cushion and threw his arms over his face. 

Dan looked at him, noticing the way Phil curled in on himself like a helpless child. Phil was desperately trying to make him believe it.

“Don’t you think…that if you tried to date someone, things would get better?” Dan asked softly, not wanting to come off as insensitive when Phil was seemingly very vulnerable.

“Don’t you think I have? So many times, but something was always wrong. It felt like something was wrong with me, because I was so unhappy and couldn’t seem to get crushes on people. I _hate_ romantic gestures. I gave up after you.”

Dan stared at him, puzzled, until he continued.

“I figured, that if I ever was to fall in love or get a crush on someone, it would have been you. You had everything I could have asked for, and I was attracted to you, but I just desperately wanted you to be my friend.” Phil explained.

Dan leaned back and they fell into silence as he pondered over what Phil was saying. He shook his head, putting his hands on his temples.

“Maybe you’re not the most romantic person, but I’ve never heard of being aromantic, Phil, you can’t just make up—” Dan started, before Phil interrupted, voice low and frustrated.

“Jesus, you’re thick.”

“Excuse me?" 

“Do you think that nothing else exists except for the things you’re educated on?” Phil spat. 

Dan stood up immediately, feeling unbearably uncomfortable. He started to walk away, feet heavy on the floor, listening to the exasperated sigh behind him.

“Listen, I just want you to understand because seeing that word was the _first_ time things made sense to me.” Phil practically pleaded.

“Are you actually serious about this?” Dan asked skeptically, annoyance seeping into his voice as he slowed to a stop before their door and stared at Phil with raised eyebrows. 

Phil nodded slowly, taking a deep breath before speaking. Dan stared into his eyes and did his best to listen to every word before he left for good.

“Yes, I wouldn’t make it up, I wouldn’t consciously want to be this way.” He paused and looked down at his book once. “I want nothing more than to fall in love and want to have a family and feel butterflies for people and maybe fit in _just this once_ but that doesn’t happen and it doesn’t make me happy…." 

Dan stared at him for a moment, not breaking his gaze away from Phil’s wide, light and shimmering eyes. Phil stared back, looking genuine and innocently child-like and small. Dan sighed and slowly walked back to the couch, wrapping his arms around Phil’s shoulders as he sat down. He tucked his head in close to Phil, and Phil leaned back, holding Dan’s arms across his chest. Dan cursed in a small, muffled voice, but he wasn’t feeling angry or frustrated. Calm, serene, just more than slightly shocked and in disbelief, but nonetheless at peace with the way things were possibly opening up between them. He nuzzled into Phil, sensing a strange feeling in his chest that he could have described as nostalgia.

It must be hitting him that Phil would never love him like that.

He frowned and pressed his face into Phil, and the pressure against his eyes helped him keep from crying while he regained steady breathing. He hoped Phil wouldn’t expect him to speak for a while because he’s not sure he could keep it together without squeezing his lips together.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, you know that right? I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandparents, everyone that’s helped me get to where I am, all my friends, all my family, like I adore so many people and genuinely love them so much. You, God, I can’t even explain how much I love you.” Phil said softly.

Dan couldn’t help the sob that came from his chest or the sudden wet tears and his quivering lip. Pushing his face, along with his snot and salty tears into the crease of his elbows, he started to lean back, but Phil grabbed him to hold him still, in a tight grasp while he almost jerkily rocked Dan back and forth.

“I want to be enough for you, it _hurts_ that we’re drifting apart, I want our friendship to be enough for you,” Phil sniffled, his voice a few tones higher.

“Of course, of course, of _course_ it is.” Dan mewled.

“Do you believe me?” 

Dan nodded furiously and Phil held him tighter, in a crushing hug, and wiped his tears on Dan’s shoulder, letting out audible whimpers. 

“You’re the first person I’ve told and I was so scared you would leave or think I was crazy!” Phil exclaimed.

“No, Phil, you’re great and there’s nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing.” Dan said, his voice resembling a whimper through his soft crying. Phil nodded against him.

Hugging, they leaned back into the sofa and rested on each other, hands clutching clothes fabric to stay close. Phil whispered about how much he loved Dan, and Dan whispered back.

“I knew if anyone would understand it would be you.” Phil murmured, and Dan proceeded to rub his hand against Phil’s back, up to the base of his neck and down to above his waistband, feeling an eternity drag by as he slowly stroked Phil’s back and rested against him, hoping Phil could feel the love he had for him. He slowly stopped crying, wiping the wetness on his sleeve, knowing his face was probably red and splotchy, but not caring at the moment.

Dan finally took the book that was squished between them, and opened it across Phil’s legs that were pressed against him. He skimmed the introduction, flipping through the first few pages and nodding at the words, seeing Phil smiling wider and wider at him in his peripheral.

Suddenly, he was pushed back, and he fell on his back on the cushion hard with Phil on top of him, losing the book to the ground. He was pressed into the soft material hard and he let out a strained laugh that barely came through with Phil laughing over him, sounding gleeful.

“I’m really grateful, you know, you’ve _no_ idea how long I’ve wanted to just _know_ who I am and then how long I’ve wanted to tell someone, _especially_ you, and I’m so glad you care and believe me and accept it.” Phil’s eyes crinkled with happiness until they were slits and Dan smiled at him with overwhelming fondness in his eyes, a thousand terms of endearment coming to his mind when he looked at Phil.

“Everything actually makes sense now, do you know how confused you had me?” Dan asked, laughing.

“I’m honestly _so_ sorry, I’ve acted so strange all the time.” 

“I was starting to think I was so egotistical for wondering how you didn’t have feelings for me, but now I know, it _wasn’t_ me and I’m still great.” Dan joked, hitting Phil on the arm.

“Crushes are just gross." 

“I understand.” They both laughed, and Phil scrambled back into a sitting position to let Dan breathe.

“I hope other people will. But I’m worried about my family. I don’t even know if Mum really understood what I was saying when I told her I was bisexual.” Phil said, frowning slightly.

“You don’t have to tell them, I don’t know…just tell them we’re dating or something.” Dan suggested, not thinking he could truthfully tell Phil that they would understand when he barely did. 

“I want to though, really badly. It’s apart of me, after all,” Phil said immediately. “One day I will. Not quite yet, but soon. I'll help them understand. And the Internet, maybe someone will feel the same. Maybe I’ll help them.” He thought out loud.

“I’ll be here.” Dan said.

“I know you will.” Phil smiled.

“You’ll always have my support. I’m sorry I doubted you, I was just scared, I guess. But I’m not leaving now.” Dan said tenderly.

“It’s okay, I understand why you freaked out. Maybe I’m not _normal_ but there’s nothing wrong with me.” His grin didn’t falter and he hugged himself around his torso. “I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders."  

Dan nodded, feeling a similar set of huge relief. One part because Phil was happy and opening up for the first time in a long time. He'd finally came to trust Dan enough. Everything made sense to Dan now and it lessened the pain he felt. Not that he didn’t feel anything or that his unrequited love wasn’t still present, but Phil loved him most and wouldn’t leave him. It wasn’t marriage but his friendship would be enough. He no longer had to worry about what would come of the future or the two of them, their friendship would be enough. Eventually. 

He took Phil’s hand and stayed with him through the night.

 

 

**+++**  

 

 

Dan walked through the doors, and Phil was at the top of the stairs by the time he made the climb. Phil had a strange grin on his face and he stood in the doorway with both hands on his hips. As soon as they made eye contact, he raised his eyebrows.

“Oh shut up, you.” Dan said, panting slightly as he made it to the top and walked past Phil, smiling.

“So….” Phil started in a comical voice, following Dan into the lounge.

“American Horror Story time?” Dan asked casually, laughing when Phil put his hands on his hips again and stared at him. He sat on the couch and Phil sat down right after, facing him.

“You come home at midnight and you’re all blush-y, did someone have a good time?” Phil asked, _hmm_ -ing at Dan and causing more laughter.

“Shut _up_ , God, you’re more embarrassing than my grandma.” Dan smiled.

“You like them, don’t you!” Phil asked.

“Maybe...yeah….” Dan avoided eye contact but knew Phil could see his happiness from his caving dimples and red face.

“Oh, you’re so _gross_!” Phil hit Dan’s shoulder playfully, and Dan couldn’t help but laugh more, nearly falling over on the couch.

“I _hate_ you, Phil."  

“You’re going out with them again, right? You have to. And you have to bring them here and let me assess them soon.”

“Yes, Phil, you can stop now.”

Phil smiled widely at him for a second, still not turning away.

“Promise me one thing, Dan?”

“ _What_ , Phil.” 

“If you get married and move in together, can I live in your basement so we can still play Mario Kart everyday still?” 

Dan looked at him, his smile growing bigger and his eyes squinting.

“Always.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think as I haven't written in a while, and any suggestions/requests/constructive feedback is really appreciated please!!


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